#humor

Shira would usually rather stay home.

Sumi has already made plans for everyone.

Freya has found a way to measure the results.

Somehow, they are still friends.

Shira, Sumi, and Freya keep ending up in places none of them quite expected: beaches, restaurant kitchens, vintage-media fairs, competitions, trips, and eventually perhaps a few places considerably stranger than those.

The stories can be read individually, but they also build on one another. If you’re new to the three of them, publication order is the best place to start.

The Friends

Shira

Shira likes black clothes, old technology, AFI, and situations in which nobody expects her to participate.

She carries an old iPod, keeps her smartphone monochrome, and has a well-developed instinct for finding the objectionable part of any cheerful group activity. She is also usually the first person to notice when someone else is scared, embarrassed, or being overlooked.

She would prefer that this last fact not become a topic of discussion.

Sumi

Sumi does not so much invite people places as inform them where everyone is going.

She is cheerful, impulsive, almost completely without a filter, and an astonishing cook. Unfortunately for Freya, Sumi does not consider extraordinary culinary talent evidence that she should immediately establish a restaurant group.

Unfortunately for Sumi, Freya does.

Freya

Freya is training to become an elite rower and approaches everyday life with the troubling suspicion that most things could be improved with timing data.

Shira, Sumi, and Freya: A Halloween Special

---

Freya had been Athena for seventeen minutes when someone handed her a clipboard.

This was not among the goddess's traditional responsibilities.

"Could you manage the queue for a moment?" the woman asked.

Freya looked down at the clipboard.

There were twenty-six names, three columns, and no indication of what any of them meant.

"What am I managing?"

"The queue."

"Yes. For what?"

"The haunted house."

"Is there a capacity limit?"

"Forty, I think."

"You think?"

The woman looked toward the building behind her.

"Look, I'm sorry. We're having a difficult evening."

Freya examined the clipboard again.

She could already see four things wrong with it.

This was irritating.

She had not come to the Halloween festival to correct administrative deficiencies.

She had come because Sumi had purchased three tickets in August and announced, at dinner, that October thirty-first was now a contractual obligation.

Shira had objected.

Freya had pointed out that they were not contracts.

Sumi had explained that the tickets were nonrefundable.

Freya had asked how much they cost.

Shira had looked at her.

"Don't."

Freya had asked anyway.

And now she was standing outside a century-old theater wearing an ivory-and-gold costume, carrying a ceremonial spear, and attempting to determine whether the number twenty-six meant tickets sold, visitors admitted, or a theoretical estimate of the number of people currently hiding in the building.

Freya had been in the kingdom for eleven minutes when she learned that she was qualified to manage its accounts payable.

This was not what she had expected from another world.

“I would like to appeal,” she said.

The dragon behind the registration desk adjusted his spectacles.

He was approximately the size of a large dog, with moss-green scales, two small horns, and a pair of wings folded neatly against his back. A silver chain connected his spectacles to a button on his waistcoat.

“On what grounds?”

“Incorrect classification.”

“Do you possess evidence?”

“I am an athlete.”

The dragon waited.

“I train six days a week.”

“Very commendable.”

“I can deadlift one hundred and twenty kilograms.”

“Congratulations.”

“I have competitive rowing experience.”

“Excellent.”

Freya leaned forward.

“Why am I a Court Administrator?”

The dragon consulted the glowing crystal mounted above his desk.

“Because you are a Court Administrator.”

Shira made a small sound behind her.

Freya turned.

“Are you laughing?”

“No.”

“You are.”

“I inhaled.”

“You inhaled sarcastically.”

Shira looked toward the ceiling.

“I can't control how you interpret oxygen.”

The dragon tapped a claw against a parchment.

“Your aptitude has been verified by the Crown's Classification Prism. Appeals may be submitted in writing, provided the appellant can establish a procedural irregularity.”

“Good,” Freya said. “Where is the form?”

The dragon looked at her.

Something in his expression changed.

There is a particular kind of athlete who has existed for much longer in fiction than he has probably existed in anything resembling pure form in real life. He is enormous. He plays football, wrestles, lifts weights, or does all three. He is not especially troubled by abstract questions. If somebody uses a four-syllable word around him, there is a reasonable chance that the joke will be that he does not understand it. He may be good-natured or he may be a bully, but either way his body seems to have consumed most of the resources that otherwise might have gone toward interiority. In the old cartoon version of the archetype, he may literally begin a sentence with “duh.”

Archie Comics has given us perhaps the purest specimen in Moose Mason, officially described by Archie itself as Riverdale High's star athlete and also its worst student, a boy whose listed dislikes include both math and “big words.” (Archie Comics) Moose is exaggerated because he is supposed to be. He belongs to an old cultural taxonomy in which the body and the mind are different territories, and excellence in one raises suspicions about what happened to the other. There is the nerd, who thinks. There is the jock, who acts. Everyone knows which one should be asked about existentialism and which one should be asked to move the couch.

Somewhere very far away from Moose Mason, apparently, is the athlete who runs in search of enlightenment.

Shira had been inside the fair for four minutes when she realized, with some irritation, that she was having a good time.

This was unacceptable.

The building had once been a furniture warehouse and still looked faintly prepared to resume that function at any moment. High windows ran along one brick wall. Steel beams crossed the ceiling. Folding tables had been arranged in long rows beneath hanging signs marked VINYL, AUDIO, CAMERAS, GAMES, and, for reasons no one had explained, MISC. FORMAT.

The air smelled like coffee, old cardboard, warm electronics, and the particular dusty sweetness of record sleeves that had spent several decades in basements.

From somewhere near the entrance, a stereo was playing New Order.

From somewhere else, somebody was testing a cassette deck with what sounded like Steely Dan.

A third booth was playing ska at a volume that suggested a personal grievance.

Shira adjusted the strap of her bag and kept walking.

“This is amazing,” Sumi said.

Shira looked at her.

“You've been here three minutes.”

“I know.”

Sumi was standing in front of a table containing portable radios, alarm clocks, a translucent purple telephone, and several appliances whose purposes had apparently been forgotten by history.

She picked up a squat orange object with a cord.

“What is this?”

Freya glanced over.

“Fondue pot.”

Sumi stared at it.

“You can have a machine just for fondue?”

“You can have a machine for almost anything.”

Sumi had been at the summer festival for six minutes when she realized they were eating incorrectly.

“We need a plan,” she said.

Shira stopped beneath a string of paper lanterns.

“No.”

“You don’t know what the plan is.”

“You said we need one.”

Freya unfolded the festival map.

“What are we optimizing?”

“Food,” Sumi said.

Shira looked from one of them to the other.

“I’m going home.”

The festival occupied four blocks around the old town square. There were food stalls, musicians, local artists, children carrying glowing plastic swords, and a man on stilts dressed as what Sumi believed was either a heron or an extremely disappointed angel.

The air smelled of grilled corn, frying dough, woodsmoke, and sugar.

Sumi had already eaten half a plum pastry.

It did not count. She had bought it before realizing they needed a plan.

“We have to pace ourselves,” she explained. “If we eat the filling things first, we won’t be able to try everything.”

“We are not trying everything,” Shira said.

Sumi looked at her.

Shira wore a loose black dress despite the heat, black boots, and the expression of someone who had been brought to the festival as part of a court-ordered rehabilitation program.

“We can’t try literally everything,” Sumi conceded.

“Thank you.”

“There are two stalls selling kettle corn.”

Shira closed her eyes.

Freya was studying the map.

“We should begin with the north side,” she said. “Highest concentration of small portions. Then the eastern block before the dinner rush.”

Shira had been at the beach for eleven minutes when Sumi announced that she was healing.

“I can see it happening,” Sumi said.

Shira lowered her sunglasses. “What?”

“Healing.”

“From what?”

Sumi gestured broadly at her.

They were standing outside a small rental cottage two blocks from the water. Sumi had already changed into shorts and a blue camisole and was carrying a canvas bag containing sunscreen, three oranges, a paperback she would not open, two bottles of water, and enough food to survive a minor maritime disaster.

Freya had gone back inside because she had forgotten her running watch.

Shira regarded Sumi for several seconds.

“I’m going home.”

“You can’t. Freya has the car keys.”

“I’ll walk.”

“It’s four hours.”

“I have music.”

This was true. An old silver iPod Classic was clipped inside Shira’s bag, its scratched back polished smooth in places from years of use.

Sumi brightened. “Perfect! A healing walk.”

Shira put her sunglasses back on.

Freya came out of the cottage already wearing her watch.

“I found a seven-kilometer loop for tomorrow morning,” she said.

“Of course you did,” said Shira.

“It follows the coast.”

“That almost makes it sound recreational.”

“It is recreational.”

“You timed yourself brushing your teeth yesterday.”

“That was an experiment.”

Sumi took Shira by the wrist. “Come on. Ocean.”

They started toward the beach.

Shira had agreed to this trip six weeks earlier, at dinner, under conditions she now regarded as legally questionable. Sumi had made dumplings with roasted mushrooms, scallions, and something involving browned butter that neither Shira nor Freya had expected to work. It had been astonishing. Freya had told her she could sell them for eighteen dollars a plate. Sumi had looked horrified.

I stopped for pancakes at a diner just off Route 9 in Plattsburgh, NY (ZIP: 12901, for my fellow map nerds). It’s one of those places where the menu hasn’t budged since about 1983—and neither have the prices, bless their hearts. As I drowned my short stack in syrup, I overheard the table next to me stumbling through their breakfast order in hesitant French, earning bemused smiles and gentle confusion from their very-much-English-speaking server.

Here’s the kicker: Lacolle, Quebec, is a breezy 40-minute drive north. Cross that line, and French flows effortlessly—c’est naturel. But in Plattsburgh, French feels oddly out of place, like cowboy boots at a vegan potluck.

Contrast that with Texas, where you can be miles and miles from the Rio Grande and Spanish is as comfy as old denim. Of course, Texas spent a significant chunk of its formative years as part of Mexico—history has deep roots, deeper even than pecan trees. In fact, there's still a quiet undercurrent among some Texans who feel the border never quite landed right, culturally speaking. Texas is practically its own country—Tex-Mex traditions, bilingual street signs, and communities where crossing linguistic boundaries happens every day without a blink.

Why the stark difference in Plattsburgh, then? Historically, the border between the U.S. and Canada was largely shaped by treaties between distant governments rather than by cultural or economic tides. The northeastern U.S. border, once delineated, hardened into an identity line. Economics played its role too: trade, jobs, and daily life largely stayed separate, preventing cultural blending.