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For the general election in the U.S. today, on 3 November 2020, I volunteered as a canvasser, someone who knocks on doors to encourage registered voters to cast their ballots. However, something unrelated happened that is significant enough for me to need to write it down before I forget the details. It's that I had the biggest crush in a single day that I have ever had in my life with the person who was my canvassing partner. It felt almost like we had a shared mind or something, that is the best way to put it, like our thoughts functioned in the same way. This was the only time I’ve asked a girl out face to face, although she politely said no, and since I only know her first name, it is fairly doubtful I would see her again. I do not know how different her perceptions might be of that time, but I think those two and a half hours or so that we spent together having fun and talking will be permanently engrained in my brain. The toughest part for me is wondering if I will ever experience something like that again, because I don’t have anything really to compare it with. I feel like I fell in love at first sight, one of the few times I have ever felt so strongly about another person.
I am not going to be able to sum up this person succinctly with the amount of time I have available, so let me instead just share a list of why I liked her so much. She had a beautiful voice that sounded like she was singing each time she spoke. She had an inimitable fashion sense, entirely her own. Namely, she wore a blue suede baseball cap, a khaki trench coat, a yellow scarf, light blue jeans, and pink sneakers. She carried herself with a gentle dignity, and had a slightly formal way of speaking, kind of like me, and a cute laugh. It was less anything physical that struck me about her, though. Instead, it was a feeling of completeness being around her. I felt an instant connection to her, like she knew what I was thinking, and how I thought, right away. I liked the calming sense of her presence, and there were so many things I wanted to ask her but wasn't sure if it was the right time to do it. We talked for about half the time while walking around to the different sites, and I kept on wanting to make her laugh, and succeeded more times than I was expecting. These words don't capture the feelings at the time, though. I liked all her little quirks, like the way she pronounced "Guthrie" as "GOO three" or "cordoned" as "core DONNED." Why is it that in retrospect, it feels so silly? The truth is there was something different in me being with her, a positivity that lies dormant in me too often. I had a sense that her mind functioned similarly to mine, some type of eccentricity that is hard to sum up in general terms, but more comes from examples, like the way she talked about her enjoyment of maps of navigation, and the way she noticed small details on the houses we were passing. Most people don't notice these things, and being able to share them with another person was rare and special for me.
When we finished the session, about one minute before we parted ways, I accidentally touched her hand for a split second, and it was kind of scary. Then as we were getting ready to head off in our cars, I asked if she would ever like to get together, and she said no. I was surprised because of how well we had clicked, at least from my perspective, and it definitely has left me feeling crushed and disoriented since. I wonder why my brain puts me through these rollercoasters, and if the feeling that struck me was actually love. I hope one day to see you again, though it seems almost completely unlikely. Her first name was Kathleen, and that is all I ever learned of her. She will probably never read this, and maybe she won't think about me again as I do of her.